upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
