who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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