So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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