hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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