Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
