Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
