Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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