I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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