I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
