so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
