I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
