Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
a search helicopter?!
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I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
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I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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