Rock
Scissors
Fuck
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
