Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
