I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
