I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
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Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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