woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
