Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
