Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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