You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
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