I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
