Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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