So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.