You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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