why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
