nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
you had me at cake vodka
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
And then he peed in my hair
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