I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
