guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
