Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
