Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
