I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
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