Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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