It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
