I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
