We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
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If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
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"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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