Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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