It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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