oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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