Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
