evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
