I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
