I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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