no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
