My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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