My first STD was from a foam party
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
