Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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