Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
