If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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