apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
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