I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Randomize
