lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
