I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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