If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
