Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
