Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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