were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
