dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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