First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
