please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
