i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
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