she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
