I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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