420 ftw
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
