Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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